Week Seventy

Week Seventy

Sunday, March 25, 2012…..I had such a great day.  With all the stress I’ve had about moving over the past week, today was just what I needed.

One of the events leading up the ALC is the Expo.  It’s a swap meet type of event; local vendors as well as individuals come to sell/swap cycling items.  It’s also an opportunity for riders to meet and hang out together.  But before the Expo, there was a bike ride.  I rode only forty four miles, but they were difficult miles as we rode from San Francisco to Pacifica.  There was lots of climbing and one hill in particular was quite steep with a 14% grade.  I had a great day and loved seeing many of my friends.

One friend in particular was at the Expo; Paul.  After the Expo, he gave me a ride to my new house to drop off my bike.  We then proceeded back to my old neighborhood where I met my landlord to hand over the keys.  Paul got to see the old apartment.  After that we landed in one of the local bars for some social time and a couple of beers.  The day was not over yet.  We then went on to eat a hearty dinner at a new BBQ restaurant.  I like Paul and thoroughly enjoy hanging out with him.  We had several hours of conversation. 

Monday the 26^th….Back at work today.  It seems that whenever I tell my coworkers about my weekend and my friend Paul, I have a very large grin on my face.

Tuesday the 27^th……Something I’ve been thinking about today.  All the moving is done and I’m really glad it’s all over.  However I feel like I’ve been cut loose.  This is a major change in my life that’s been occupying me since November.  Now that’s it’s done, I feel like I should be doing something.  I feel at loose ends.  It’s an odd feeling having no real commitment or focus at the moment.  I suppose I need a break from the stress.

Thursday the 29^th….It’s incredible the generosity I have felt from friends and family over the past year and a half. Once more, today I have experienced an act that simply flabbergasts me. A friend has given – yes given – me a bicycle. Not just an old beater either, a high end 2007 Trek Madone with carbon fiber frame. Here is part of the note he wrote when informing me of this: 

“I don’t want to receive anything for it, just passing on good will to someone I like.”

I feel as I am the luckiest person in the world. It’s something simple like this that affirms for me that love is the most important connection that one can experience.

How about that!

Friday the 30^th…..I woke very early and had my leisurely and filling pre-cycling breakfast.  Fifty miles total for the day to Fairfax and back.  After returning home I walked around the City drinking it all in.  I was literally high from the endorphins this afternoon, floating along as I walked down the street. 

While having a mocha at Union Square my mind turned to thoughts of Paul.  We will have another date on Sunday.  I’m really looking forward to seeing him.

Saturday the 31^st……A busy day.  Yesterday my former landlord phoned me to let me know that there were some items I had inadvertently overlooked.  Today I went to the old address to retrieve them.  It turns out that the items are mostly Randy’s papers.  Among the papers is his original hand-written manuscript of the children’s story he wrote.  Also discovered are many other writings, poems, short stories etc.  Amazing that I found them.  I will treasure them always.

Later I visited a cycling friend to assist him with putting together a ride leader guide which will be used for the Different Spokes Cycling club of which I am a member.

Following that I went shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond to get some items for my bathroom and kitchen.  Shelves will be very helpful in storing my household items. 

It’s been a busy day.  Rain in the morning but the skies cleared to reveal a most lovely city for all to enjoy.

Tomorrow a long bike ride to Point Reyes Station – 91 miles; and after that dinner and a show with Paul. 

That’s all for now.  More later.

Love,

Lee     

Week Sixty Nine

Week Sixty Nine

Sunday, March 18, 2012……What a long day.  Rising at 4 AM I ate my breakfast and readied myself to ride out at 6.  Heading for Sports Basement to join my cycling friends.  Today’s ride included Lucas Valley Road, a somewhat “infamous” hill in Marin County.  At the top of the hill is a huge rock so the hill is often referred to as “Big Rock.”  On my way to the starting point I realized that the day would be difficult: Wind!  We pedaled against a headwind all day long.  It was brutal at some points.  As we arrived at the top of Big Rock and began to descend, we actually had to pedal to go downhill.  Something’s wrong with that picture.  Despite the wind, I had a great day and enjoyed myself thoroughly.      

Wednesday the 21^st……Today……more packing. 

Many of you know that for several years Randy wrote a blog.  Every year in the month of March he would compose an article in which he reflected on the anniversary of his diagnosis with AIDS — which was March 1999.  Here I wish to honor his tradition by sharing his final March 2010 blog entry.  It’s a poignant memory for me to read.  I’m struck by the fact that in this article he is looking outward and forward, thinking of others and of serving the community.  I learn strength from reading his lines.  I hope you may gain some insight into Randy’s state of mind and heart in his final months.

On March 21, 1999 I was diagnosed with AIDS after more than 13 years of living with HIV.  That was eleven years ago . Every year at this time I recognize this anniversary with a reflection that I share with my friends, family and colleagues.

 

The 11th Anniversary is the “Steel Anniversary”- less glamorous than silver for 25 or gold for 50, but I cannot think of a more apt metal or metaphor for this anniversary.

 

On that day in March eleven years ago, I never thought I would be alive today; I never thought I would be working again; I never dreamt I would be planning my 22nd anniversary with Lee or celebrating our 2nd year of marriage; or having our 12th year with our beloved beagle Darwin. Steel- is strong, hard and implacable. It evokes thoughts of determination and strength.

 

Yes, indeed 2010 is a year where I am relying on my internal steel to face a renewed future of hope.  But steel is an alloy that’s structure is dependent on a precise and exact combination of elements to create a strong and durable metal.

 

In my case that unique combination has come from a synergistic constellation of good fortune, inspiration, colleagues, friends, and family.

 

I have definitely had good fortune.  I have a remarkable doctor and excellent healthcare; something that nearly fifty million Americans do not enjoy.  I am not going to turn this reflection into a political treatise- I’ll just say that I have what I believe should be the right of every American- good healthcare where my relationship with my doctor is at the center.  Oh yes- I have Medicare- a government run program that puts a premium on the decisions my doctor and I make.  I am fortunate that as a disabled person who has been a Medicare beneficiary I can continue accessing Medicare by paying into it now that I have gone back to work.  I will not have to rely on the vagaries of the private insurance industry and its intrusion on my relationship with my doctor in order to protect its bottom line.

 

I have inspiration.  The work I did before I retired in 2000 was one of the great joys of my life.  Having the opportunity to be a small part of effecting positive change for people living with HIV/AIDS and have it as my career was an amazing privilege.  Over the past 10 years I have been fortunate to be continually inspired by the social justice and healthcare access issues that are important to me and to find ways to involve myself in that work while being “retired”.  Back in the early ‘00s I had the good fortune to work on Medicare issues for people living with HIV/AIDS and got to know a colleague who helped guide my work on that issue and I count him as one of my mentors.  That colleague is Jeff Crowley.  Jeff is now President Obama’s Director of the White House’s Office of National AIDS Policy and he is one of the smartest people I have met doing this work and is a down to earth and nice guy on top of it.  Jeff is just one of scores of amazing people that I have met.  The work has been part of my life’s inspiration but the people doing the work are those that are awe inspiring.  My colleagues in the CAEAR Coalition, the National Working Positive Coalition and the Coalition for a National AIDS Strategy have kept my brain nimble and my passion invigorated and they inspire me every day through their passion, their remarkable intelligence, and their generosity of spirit.

 

Then there are the San Francisco HIV Health Services Planning Council and Shanti. These two entities have woven their way into my life in pretty significant ways for many years.

 

About eight years ago my friend and former San Francisco AIDS Foundation colleague Laura Thomas encouraged me to think about becoming a member of the Planning Council.  At the time, I thought I would rather chew on nails- the politics, the array of strong personalities (yes, I know I am no shrinking violet either) – I wasn’t sure I wanted that stress in my life.  I had left work because of stress and didn’t want to dive head first into a situation wrought with tension.  But I was appointed to the council and over the years the work drew me in.  I recognized the amazing work of this group of people who commit themselves to maintaining the best possible system of care for people living with HIV/AIDS in San Francisco, San Mateo and Marin counties at a time of diminishing resources.  A wide array of people with an amazing diversity of experience and backgrounds coming together to make difficult decisions.  Community planning- it can be messy, but by God it works and it is a beautiful thing.

 

 t was at Shanti 22 years ago where this then 30 year old newcomer to San Francisco decided to volunteer so I could connect with my new community.  It is where my passion around HIV/AIDS began to move outward from my own internal battle with the disease.  It is where I found my center in San Francisco.  A spark was lit at Shanti 22 years ago that lit the candle that has guided my community work for the past two decades.  Another spark was ignited at Shanti 22 years ago as well- that’s where I met Lee and some of the most important people in my life.

 

Could I have ever imagined ten years ago that the inspiration provided by both the Planning Council and Shanti would converge with my good fortune of good health to open the door to a new chapter in my career?  Once again I am able to do the work that I love as a profession.  I can do the policy and community planning work that I adore with the support of an agency that it fundamentally tied to my life.  The Council has given me the opportunity to have every role possible in its organization- a member, a committee co-chair, a workgroup co-chair, a council co-chair and now director. Shanti has done the same- a volunteer, a board member and now staff.

 

As I embark on this new chapter of my life and the newest exciting challenge in my career.  I am supported by remarkable friends, family and colleagues.

 

I mentioned earlier that I have had the good fortune to work with people with remarkable intelligence, commitment, passion and generosity.  That good fortune continues with my colleagues on the Council, my colleagues on the Mayor’s Hepatitis C Task Force, those that work in government both in San Francisco and in Washington, the federal and local advocacy communities- especially my fellow advocates living with HIV/AIDS and/or Hepatitis C, and my amazing co-workers at Shanti- both agency wide and the Council staff.

 

Friends are at the cornerstone of my support.  Throughout the nation I have met compassionate and loving people because of my advocacy work and because of my beagle Darwin (yes- my beagle has brought me scores of loving and wonderful friends- dogs have a knack of doing that!).  I have also reconnected with some amazing people from my years at Cornell and prep school from all corners of the globe.  The support of all these friends has sustained me.  Some of my friends are gone, taken too early by a disease that I have been fortunate enough to survive.  I carry their memory in my heart.  For six of these friends from New York I am the sole living caretaker of the flame of our collective friendship- a responsibility I am honored and humbled to have.

 

My family gave me many of the building blocks of my life.  My parents instilled a drive to learn and from the emotional tumult that is part of every family I was fortunate enough to develop a sense of duty, compassion and social justice.  My sister Linda is one of the strongest sources of support in my life and I love her dearly.

 

Last but not least there are Lee and, of course, Darwin.

 

Darwin, our nearly 12 year old beagle, has not only provided me with calmness, unconditional love and affection but he has brought into my life people who are dear to me and an organization, that touches my heart- PAWS.

 

Lee is simply the love of my life, my best friend, my confidant and to paraphrase James Joyce, as I oft do, he makes my soul swoon.  His battle with prostate cancer this year scared me and completely shifted the paradigm that I had assumed for my life.  Like my battle with AIDS and Hepatitis C, Lee’s battle with prostate cancer was another challenge that we have faced together that has strengthened us individually and as a couple while we travel on our lives’ journey together.  Lee is my bedrock and he is my joy.

 

The last eleven years have not been easy.  Many of those years were hell and at times I didn’t think I would make it.  But now- at this moment- I feel like one of the luckiest people on earth.  I know that my good fortune, the steel that I have, is not available for everyone.  Many have died, a number of them were good friends who remain in my heart, and some of them were personal heroes.  Too many people both in this country and worldwide are not availed of the healthcare and opportunities that have brought me to my current fortunate circumstance.  That is unfair and it should not be and none of us should ever accept it.

 

Nearly a quarter of a century ago I was diagnosed with HIV, eleven years ago I was diagnosed with AIDS, ten years ago I retired for health reason, three years ago I was diagnosed with a long standing case of Hepatitis C and 2 weeks ago I returned to full time employment.  What an amazing ride.

 

On this eleventh anniversary of my AIDS diagnosis- that day I was admitted to the hospital at the brink of death- I have a renewed life and renewed commitment to those that do not have the opportunities that I have had.

 

Thank you for being part of my journey.  None of us can get through life alone.  I am blessed with a great abundance of support and love.  You are the component parts of my life’s steel.  Thank you for the important place you have in my life and for, in your own way, making this world a better place.

 

 

Today was spent packing boxes.  I took the day off from work so that I could be at home to meet the pickup people from Community Thrift.  Since I was unable to sell my large furniture I donated it.  By doing so through CT I’m able to designate my choice of a charity for the proceeds go to.  I had a long day of packing boxes, cleaning out closets, drawers, sorting things and designating them for moving to the new apartment, storage and trash. 

But this evening I took a much needed break.  I bought tickets a while back to see the SF Gay Men’s Chorus and their spring performance at Davies Symphony Hall.  I met a man recently and invited him along.  So I guess you could say I had a date; yes I definitely had a date tonight.  Paul is a wonderful man.  I met him through my association with the Positive Pedalers cycling group.  It was a simple evening; dinner and then the chorus show.  Unbeknownst to me until this morning I learned today is Paul’s birthday.  So I brought him a small piece of birthday cake to celebrate.    I enjoyed having an evening out with a new friend.  I like him and enjoy being with him.  I want to see him again on another date.  He likewise wants to see me again.     

Thursday the 22^nd……Movers came today to begin  packing more boxes and moving them from point A to point B.  A full day.  I’m beat.    

Friday the 23^rd…….It’s early….7 AM.  Been awake since 5:30.  Feeling alone and vulnerable.  My practical/rational self knows that everything is just fine.  My emotional/introspective self is frightened.  I’m uprooted from my normal routine mundane boring life.  I’ve never felt so alone and small in my life.  Not even the period following Randy’s death did I feel like this.  It’s overwhelming this morning.  My practical self tells me there are so many people who love me.  My emotional self feels isolated and out of touch.  At this moment I want to talk to someone.  Hearing a voice on the phone would salve my pain.

The previous was written very early this morning.  As is my usual mode of operation, I got up had breakfast and went to Douglass Street and did what needed to be done.  Everything got done that need to be done. 

At the end of the day….It’s been such a full day.  I met the movers at Douglass Street.  They completed the packing and moving boxes to both storage and my new address. 

Saturday the 24^th…….This was the final day of working on Douglass Street.  I returned to tidy up and retrieve a few forgotten items.  When that was done, instead of going back to the new apartment, I decided to hang out in my neighborhood.  I went to the coffee shop and had a hot mocha and donut.

While I was having my coffee I reflected on moving and some of the emotions I’ve been having all week.  Naturally I HAD to write a poem about it.  Here it is:

 

A sad place

Brown floors and walls of white

Empty gone void nothing space

A sad place

Once it was my home

Brown floors and walls of white

Painted with memories

Joyous floors angry walls

Determined love splashed

Across the kitchen

Death blackness and pain

Came to visit for a while

Only to be pushed aside

By love and strength

Windows

Windows are the eyes

That will continue to look

Out at the world

And look inward

At the brown floors and walls of white

A sad place

 

That’s all for now.  More later.

Love,

Lee

 

 

     

 

Week Sixty Eight

Week Sixty Eight

Sunday, March 11, 2012…..The morning began very early.  Our clocks changed last night to daylight savings time.  Since I retired late – after midnight – and had to wake up early – 4:30 AM – for my ALC training bike ride, my ass was dragging.  Food and coffee helped to revive me adequately for riding.  Off I went into the cold morning air.  Flying down the hill, I pedaled through the residential neighborhoods, into the panhandle and Golden Gate Park.  Along the way I began talking – out loud – to Randy.  I asked him to watch over me and help keep me safe as I knew I had a long day of riding ahead.  My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by tears bursting forth and flowing down my cheeks.  I cried openly and cathartically.  I miss Randy SO much!  I collected myself as my two wheels carried me along.  I continued to talk with Randy; asking him to help me love the best I’m able; help me love my friends and be a real friend to them in turn.  These are things for which I strive. 

The day was long.  The route included Larkspur, Fairfax, Nicasio Valley road and around the Nicasio Reservoir and then returning home via Lagunitas, San Anselmo and Sausalito.  What a great day. I rode 82 miles today.  There were rain showers.  I got wet.  I rode on a muddy gravel bike trail and got filthy dirty.  But the best part was I got to ride with some simply wonderful people. What a great day!

Monday the 12^th…..After work packing of the household ensued.

Tuesday the 13^th…..This morning was a moody morning. My emotions expressed themselves in words; words on a page. Four different poems. Here they are:

 

Community

Many into one

Loving caring souls

Welcoming arms embrace

Many minds many hearts

Focused on the single endeavor

Man aiding man

Lifting spirits to heaven

 

———————————–

 

Early rising

Rain like tears

Fall from eyes above

A knot in my belly

Twists my emotions

In a way that my spleen

Is on edge

Confusion and inner turmoil

Makes free reign through

My heart my mind

Torn from my base

I turn in the wind

Like a torn plastic grocery bag

Set adrift with a dented rudder

Struggling to set a right course

But rhythms they stabilize my vessel

And I will not sink

Filled with uncertainty

I move forward

Strong yet with caution

I will prevail

 

—————————————-

 

The nature of my tears

Is many faceted

My body expresses

The multiple and the minute

The extreme and the subtle

My eyes are milked of their fluid

Like teats on my face

Carving deeper valleys through

The furrows of my cheeks

Eroding layers and revealing

Histories past and present

Joy Fear Stress Sadness Pain

Anger always anger

The dried salty crystals

Shine in the sunlight

Reflecting and lighting the darkness

That lies around the corner

The nature of my tears

Has many pages

 

—————————————–

 

Rain you are my friend

You are my wet warmth

Comfortable and familiar

Keeping me alive

With your reminder

Of dynamic forces inside and out

Life-giving water 98 percent of my body

You are my friend my lover

You cleanse the dirt left behind

After struggles of my heart

You baptize me in the fire of your

Cold wetness

 

Thursday the 15^th……..San Francisco being a very small town, occasionally I happen to run into Randy’s colleagues.  Last night was no exception as I met someone with whom Randy did community work.  A long chat ensued.  We talked about ourselves, about our work, changes we have experienced and naturally we talked about Randy.  When I run into these colleagues, from time to time I frequently learn about certain aspects and hear stories about Randy that I didn’t previously know.  It’s very comforting and warms my heart to hear and see others talk about Randy with such love in their eyes.  We also talked about me.  People want to know about me and how I’m doing. By now after nearly a year and a half I have much to relate and many stories to tell; I have begun to dip my toes into the waters of the dating pool (ok, now that’s just too purple); my new-found love of cycling and my goal of participating in ALC.  But above all it is my opportunity to tell people that I am ok.  I am forming a new life.  I am forming a new life molded from all that has gone before.  Yes, life is change and sometimes there are bumps in the road.  I strive to embrace it all; the joyful and the difficult.  I strive to give to those around me the love and good fortune that has been given to me.

This afternoon after work I signed the lease and picked up the keys to my new apartment. I did some measurements today too. Now I can begin to move some things in. The big mover-assisted moving day is next Thursday the 22nd. Excited……..I think.

Friday the 16^th……Today’s poem:

 

Tiny small minute

Insignificant

Asking permission to live

Flowing without purpose

I hide in the shadows

Living expressing

Through and among others

Outside myself

Looking at seeing

The world the universe

Inside my own ball

My sphere

My body

Tiny small minute

Insignificant

Pain of birth

Expelled onto the pavement

The placenta torn from my belly

My first breath of living

Trials become mothers maternal

Nurturing growth

Walking running singing

Arms wide I embrace

My new lover

Standing walking

My spine strengthens

It carries me forward

As a flag unfurled

Facing the wind

Straight straight

Sailing forward

Holding hands

With the past loving

Its soft caresses

The present wraps his strong

Arms around my shoulders

Large confident

I see and touch

Uncertain unafraid no more

 

Saturday the 17^th…….I spent today packing lots of boxes, mostly books.  It’s been a bit frustrating.  Most everything I’ve packed thus far has been stuff that’s set for disposal. 

Today I managed to sell my dining table and chairs as well as a bunch of books for a total of $256.  I was surprised at the amount I got for the books. 

This whole moving thing will be over soon and I can relax in my new place.  I’m looking forward to decorating and inviting my friends for a visit.

That’s all for now.  More later.

Love,

Lee 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

Week Sixty Seven

Week Sixty Seven

Sunday, March 4^th, 2012…..A long day of riding; 78 miles from home to Marin, China Camp, Tiburon Loop and back home.  I finally got back home at 5PM.  My butt sure is sore.  It was a great day weather-wise with very warm temps; in the low 70’s.  By day’s end I had peeled off several layers and finished with short sleeves.  It’s nice to have some warm sun.  The group today was quite large including many of my riding buddies.

Monday the 5^th……After work I looked at another apartment.  This one is good and I really want to move into it.  It’s a studio large enough that’s doable for me.  It has two closets one of which is a walk-in; good for storage.  The kitchen has a small corner “nook” which would be a great pantry.  I made my application and hope I’m approved.

This evening I attended the final session of my improv class.  Tonight I and my classmates invited friends to be our audience while we all were on stage.  It was a fantastic evening of fun theater games.  The audience was quite large.  Afterward we had some snacks, wine and other beverages.  I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  I’ve become very enthusiastic and eager to express myself through these acting classes.  It’s a good thing. 

Tuesday the 6^th……This morning I learned that the studio which I saw yesterday will be mine.  Hurrah!!  I am SO relieved.  This is such a large burden that’s been lifted from my shoulders.  I’ve been searching for a new place to live since November.  This one clicked for me yesterday and I was approved.  I think it was meant to be.  The news about my new apartment just made my day whole.  I must’ve had a shit eating grin on my face all day.

Happiness and relief of knowing that I now have a new place to call home is wonderful.  But almost immediately upon getting the phone call this morning I also had a pain in my heart.  I feel the pain of grief all over again.  This is yet one more separation from Randy that is slapping me in the face.  I’m leaving the place we shared and called our home for over twenty years.  I have many memories of that physical location.  But that’s what they are; memories.  The memories are in my mind and heart.  That’s where they will live now.  The memories and emotions connected with them will have a place in my heart for the rest of my life.  That’s where they will live.     

What a roller coaster of a day.  The good news of the apartment was moderated with some not-so-good news.  I learned that my friend was assaulted during the weekend.  He is fine physically but is having some emotional fallout from the trauma.  I feel sad and my heart hurts to know that he has experienced such a thing.  I feel helpless, yet I know what I can do is listen and that is one of the most important things one friend can do for another.  I retire this evening thinking of him.

Wednesday the 7^th…..A tumult of emotions.  This morning I burst into tears when my co-worker asked what was going on.  My answer: “I’m moving.”  I’ll no longer reside at 354 Douglass.  The idea of that is causing me to feel the dark emotions of grief once more.  I feel as though I’ve started all over again as when Randy died.  I have spent my entire day having periods of crying.  It feels overwhelming.  It makes me very tired. 

Biking home after work I made a side trip to drop off the security deposit for the new apartment.

Thursday the 8^th……Ya know…moving is a double edged animal.  Yes, I’m very excited and relieved to have a new place to call home.  However I’m having a huge emotional reaction as well.  It’s as if my emotions are the very same as the time right after Randy died.  Yesterday was a rough day….crying off and on all day.  Today I’m feeling much better. I’m experiencing the grieving process all over again. Of course I wrote a poem about it:

 

Transitions

Change

Options

Choices

Life birth death

A full life full heart

Snatched from my hands

In an instant

I continue loving

Remembering reliving

Grieving traveling changing

I grow loving still

My heart increases

In size manyfold

Most difficult imaginable

Emerging to a bright and new life

Transitions

Change

 Options

Choices

Darkness descends

Once more shading the day

Surprise anger sadness

Tears on my cheek

A place of memories

A place of my heart

Call it home

Movement is life

Life is movement

Transitions

Change

Options

Choices

These lines were written in about fifteen minutes early today while relaxing at Starbucks with my morning coffee.

Saturday the 10^th……Today is the greatly anticipated garage sale.  I’m very ambitious.  I hope I make enough money to meet my minimum fundraising goal for ALC.

End of day:  Garage sale came to an end at 5 PM.  My friend Don came to lend a hand.  I’m very grateful that he was here.  It would have been difficult for me to do it alone.  Thank you, Don!

I made $500 from the sale which will go toward my fundraising efforts for AIDS LifeCycle.

This evening I attended a play at the New Conservatory Theater Center (NCTC).  The play was “Maurice” by E.M. Forster.  It’s a lovely story about growing up finding love in early twentieth century England. 

Tomorrow a long bike ride to Nicasio. 

That’s all for now.  More later.

Love,

Lee

Week Sixty Six

Week Sixty Six

Sunday, February 26, 2012…..Completely serendipitously today’s blog is week sixty six and I rode my bike sixty six miles.  A cold beginning to the day; however my heart was warmed as I got to ride with so many wonderful people; William, Ron, Rob, Elliott, Elton, Lindsay (I knew you would make it over that hill), Scott, Scott, Dale, Daniel….and a huge thank you to all the training ride leaders; Joseph, Deyon, Buz, Beau, Chuck. I am the luckiest person in the world.  Riding my bike is one thing but riding with others and having the camaraderie of sharing an accomplishment is beyond overwhelming.

Monday the 27^th……A mundane day.  Feeling a bit down in the dumps today.  No apparent reason.  Hoping it will pass quickly.

Tuesday the 28^th…..This was one of those contradictory days.  I went through my day at work without incident and with good humor.  However I had an underlying feeling of tearfulness.  I was not sad.  But the slightest thing turned on the waterworks; music, a random thought, something I read.  I’ve had these days before.  My emotions are just under the surface of everything I do.  The strength of spirit coexists with dark emotions.

Wednesday the 29^th……And now from today’s poetry corner…..

 

In the darkness comes a light

You shine from the far corners

Moving right moving left

Naked you bring forth the universe

Emotions sadness anger joy fear

Blankets me as a shroud

I enter your world

Of trials of discovery

Stripped of any pretense

I too am naked

Absorbing your light

Meeting it with my own

 

Friday the 2^nd……Saw movie “The Descendants” today as part of my workday with the clients.  It’s a story about a man and his family; specifically his wife who was in a coma and who is on life support.  The movie was incredible.  It did however cut a bit close to home.  It reminded me a bit too much of my experience with Randy in the ICU.  It brought tears to my eyes at several times during the movie.  I enjoyed the movie very much.

Saturday the 3^rd…..A good day.  I began with a short bike ride to Lake Merced and back.  On my way home I stopped to see a potential apartment.  It looks good.  I will pursue this one.  Right after that I went to look at another apartment.  It was not as good as the first.  After that I sat at the coffee shop for a while watching the parade of people – OK watching the men – pass by.  Later in the afternoon I attended a fundraiser put on by a friend who is raising money for ALC.  A good time was had by all. 

While sitting at the coffee shop this afternoon I composed another poem.  Here is the result:

 

Paradise

I love you I despise you

Large and small

Surrounds me with people

Cacophony of the world

Noises of the living

Silence of the dead

I love you I despise you

Beauty around every corner

Above and below

Pristine and soiled

You glow with life

You commune with death

Friend and confidant

You hear my pain my joy

You hear my confessions

I love you I despise you

Art of the millions

Come together as one

To fill the space

With beauty

With ugliness

I love you I despise you

I welcome you with my arms

I cherish you I hold your heart

Where we go

What we do

Paradise

I love you I despise you

That’s all for now.  More later.

Love,

Lee